I had a consultation today with a surgeon...about my breasts. Not a plastic surgeon who could make them nice and plump and pretty. No it was a general surgeon who specializes in problem breasts. On his card it says "Dedicated to Breast Care" very funny. I went to see him because my ob-gyn referred me. You see I haven't had a mammogram in over 5 years and it is this black cloud that looms over my shoulder. I used to be very good about my annual stuff, and aside from the mammogram I still am, oh I take that back, I haven't had a physical in some time either. Thats because the two things are linked, I go see Dr. Heaton and he asks if I have had a mammogram and I'm just not that good of a liar. I did lie for a while but it just feels like thats not good karma, I keep telling him yes I've had a mammogram and I haven't in years, I don't want to think about the possibilities. The problem is I have these cysts, lots of them and since I am an A , barely a B cup there isn't much to my sad little puppies except for cysts. They are painful sometimes more than others, depending on hormones, they are caused by hormones. The first time I found a lump was when Hilary was a baby, I woke up one morning ready to nurse, needing to nurse, please baby nurse! and after I found a lump. Freaked me out! I made Terry rush me to Kaiser where they said you've got a blocked milk duct. Take these antibiotics and use warm compresses. It went away but that was the beginning of my breasts lumps and bumps and anxiety. So at 30 I started with annual mammograms, I was proud of myself, thought I was being so responsible, taking care of my health, doing the right thing. I was brave I can do this, it doesn't hurt that bad. As years went by, my breasts had served there pupose, they nourished my babies, a time that I loved, truly loving my babies, skin to skin, this being that I grew inside of me I was still growing. That ended as it is supposed to and my body resumed being my own that I shared with my love when I chose to. I remember feeling that my body was not my own, but I didn't mind because it gave me a closeness to these precious little beings that no one else had, while they were nursing I would examine them, their toes their fingers, I knew every mole or freckle on their body. I'm sorry I am losing focus, but maybe not...I did not mind any discomfort I felt then, it was worth it. Ahh but now years later my skin isn't as elastic, lots of sagging going on, its harder to get get a bra to fit, its not pretty, but more then that my breasts are not even healthy. Thats where I come back to the mammogram, I have very little to put into that vice, what I do have is mostly lumps which are painful to the touch much less the vice squeezing them. I told the surgeon that it was torture, he said "the technicians are not trying to torture you" I accept that, but it is torturous to me. Because there isn't much to put in the vice, they usually have to do it more than once, then they see something, then I go for an ultrasound, then they tell me I am very lumpy but they don't see any cancer, see you next year. All I can imagine is that must be what it would be like if men had to put their testicals in a vice. So ultimately this long vent comes after the surgeon said "I understand but you have to get a mammogram, please get a mammogram, then come back and see me, please come back, I have a feeling you're not coming back." I asked him to cut them off, I've said that before to doctors they act like I'm imbalanced, a little crazy, I probably am, but mammograms aren't helping my sanity.

the First

So here I go....l am not feeling anything about anything right now. A place I have been wanting to be recently. Thank you Amelia for helping me, and clarity is the goal right? Let me say I hope this is the beginning of something, a change in direction, a turn in the road. Hopefully I will gain clarity and therefore growth. ain